Creepers (1985, dir. Dario Argento, Italy) by Kymm Zuckert

“We worship you, we worship you, we worship you!”

In October, Secret Movie Club will be playing some Giallo films, which I am thrilled about, but I will be busy with my Hallowe’en Horror (H)Extravaganza month (just made that up, like it? It’s Hammer Dracula films this year, stay tuned!) and thus will only be watching and not reviewing. So I’ve decided to get a jump on October and talk about Giallo right now!

I’m not mincing any words, though, Creepers is a real stinker. I’m not saying it’s not worth watching, because if you are a Giallo fan, it doesn’t actually matter if these movies are good or bad, what matters is that they exist, and you see them anyway, but Creepers is not exactly a classic of the genre. 

It isn’t even really Creepers, it’s actually called Phenomena, but it was edited down, poorly, for the American market and retitled. Apparently, it was the last of Dario Argento’s films to get a significant US release, and I’m not surprised. 

It stars Jennifer Connelly, pre-Labyrinth, as Jennifer, the daughter of a big movie star, sent to a Swiss girls school while Daddy is unreachable, filming in the Philippines for a year. Ah, the ‘80s, a time before cell phones and Internet when the Philippines was as far off and unknowable as Mars. 

The school is eerie, and filled with creepy people and nasty girls, but Jennifer is pretty creepy herself, as she sleepwalks and has a affinity for insects, which seem to love her very much, protecting her when necessary, and also showing her clues to the murders. Because of course there are murders.

Somebody’s going around killing young girls, so of course the place you want to be is in a big spooky school full of girls. Jennifer meets entomologist Professor John McGregor (Donald Pleasence, between Halloween II and Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers), who, with his service chimpanzee, goes about helping Jennifer to solve the murders. Though honestly, sending off a young girl alone with a bug in a jar when young girls are getting killed right and left doesn’t actually seem like the smartest idea, but what are you gonna do? It’s Giallo, Jake.

Jennifer Connelly, though lovely and charismatic, cannot act her way out of a wet paper bag. I mean, we all knew this from watching Labyrinth one thousand times, we love her, she is super likable, but not actually good. Well, she’s even worse when she has a terrible script to work with! I was always so glad that she got better as she got older, see: Oscar.

And of course, the other problem is the whole Creepers/Phenomena situation. It’s not as though Giallo is famous for its tight, clear plots that run like a Swiss watch, but this movie, which seems to have been edited by the same mad slasher doing the murdering, really doesn’t make a ton of sense. But it is stylish and fun, and if you are a Giallo fan, you’ll happily watch anything with that label.

And if you are a Giallo fan and live in LA, see you at the Secret Movie Club in October!

Kymm Zuckert is an actor/writer/native Angelino. When Kymm was a child, her parents would take her to see anything, which means that sometimes she will see a film today and say, “I saw that when I was eight, I don’t remember any of that inappropriate sex stuff!” Check out her entire 365 day blog @ https://365filmsin365days.movie.blog