Babylon (2022, dir. Damien Chazelle, US) by Kymm Zuckert
This is how I imagine Babylon came to pass.
(Nobody in the following imagined scene should be assumed to be anybody actually involved in the making of Babylon.)
Scene: interior day, executive office at Kiniscope films. Two people sit at a table covered in mountains of white powder
Person 1: Okay, okay, okay, wait…okay.
Person 2: What? Wait, what?
Person 1: No, I’ve got it, I’ve got it…what if, wait, what if we made a MOVIE…
Person 2: Genius!
Person 1: I’m not done!
Person 2: Sorry.
Person 1: It’s okay…wait…where was I?
Person 2: What if we made a movie?
Person 1: Genius!
Person 2: No, that’s what you said.
Person 1: Right right right. Right. What if we made a MOVIE about people making MOVIES, only it’s the silent era, and what it is is a really depressing version of Singin’ in the Rain where everyone is high all the time and all the things in Singin’ in the Rain that are happy and fun are really dismal and bleak, and there is SO MUCH COCAINE and NAKED PEOPLE having JOYLESS SEX at PARTIES, and don’t even ASK me about the elephant…
Person 2: I will not!
Person 1: Well, the elephant POOPS ALL OVER EVERYONE, and in addition to Singin’ in the Rain, there’s part of it that’s like the darkest episode of I Love Lucy ever, where the lady with the curly hair is running around all crazy while the guy follows her, yelling in Spanish, trying to contain her and herd her, but he can’t…
Person 2: Because of the cocaine…
Person 1: Because of the cocaine! And also because she must be FREE! And everything just gets worse and worse, and then Toby McGuire appears…
Person 2: I love that guy!
Person 1: Not here you won’t, because he is a DEBAUCHED FREAK with big red circles under his eyes who just does the worst things you could ever imagine!
Person 2: No, no, not little Toby!
Person 1: And then the movie just goes on and on until you are begging it to end but it WILL NOT because life is a never ending struggle…
Person 2: I wish you would stop…
Person 1: And it will end at least TEN TIMES and we will show about half of Singin’ in the Rain…
Person 2: The real actual movie Singin’ in the Rain?
Person 1: YES!
Person 2: And they will give us the rights because…
Person 1: Because we won’t tell them about the water sports scene with the fat guy that ends with the girl OD-ing.
Person 2: Well, that might work…wait…
Person 1: ANYWAY, then we will have a really long ending that will make the audience pray for the sweet release of death. Starring Margot Robbie and Brad Pitt.
Person 2: SOLD! Here’s 200 million!
Person 1: For what?
Person 2: For the move starring Margot Robbie, Brad Pitt, and an incontinent elephant!
Person 1: Wow, sounds great! What’s it about?
Person 2: It’s about the MOVIES!
Person 1: Genius!
(End Scene)
Kymm Zuckert is an actor/writer/native Angelino. When Kymm was a child, her parents would take her to see anything, which means that sometimes she will see a film today and say, “I saw that when I was eight, I don’t remember any of that inappropriate sex stuff!” Check out her entire 365 day blog @ https://365filmsin365days.movie.blog