A Christmas Carol (1999, dir. David Jones, UK/US) by Kymm Zuckert

"Can you forgive a stupid old man who doesn't want to be left out in the cold anymore?"

After watching all of those versions of A Christmas Carol last December, you’d think I wouldn’t be able to bear watching this old saw one more time, but you’d be wrong! I love this story, and it can be done so many ways, there is no reason for me not to be thrilled about a new version. And this year, we have two! 

But they will have to wait for next week, because this week we have one of the classics that I meant to get to last year, but ran out of time: the Patrick Stewart version. 

This one starts out completely differently than any other, with the actual funeral of Marley, and then with an excellent working of the opening lines of the book into the dialogue. 

"He's dead. Dead as a doornail. Though I don't know what's particularly dead about a doornail."

"Come to think of it, I wouldn't think a doornail was the deadest piece of ironmongery in the trade. Why not say dead as a doorknob? Or a doorknocker?"

"Nail, knob or knocker, Jacob's gone and that's an end to it."

Okay, that wasn't exactly the opening, but I like that they got doorknocker in what with the knocker being the first place he sees Marley's face.

Anyway, Scrooge goes to the counting house, and we see seven years pass by the "Scrooge and Marley" sign getting more and more worn and hard to read, not to mention because Bob Cratchit (Richard E. Grant) says "I was wondering, sir, if after seven years you'd be removing Mr. Marley's name from the sign outside." "No, time will erase it at no cost to us."

Bob tries to put more coal on the fire, but is instructed to poke it instead. I love Richard E. Grant, and I think of him as being such a toff, so it's funny to see him cringing and hear him making his accent more lower class. Excellently, might I add. Dominic West comes in as an extremely merry and cheerful Nephew Fred with a smile covering half his face. I certainly see how he would piss off Scrooge.

Nephew Fred runs into the philanthropists on the street and directs them to Scooge's office. Scooge, when asked for money, amusingly asks them if they are new to the district. One of the philanthropists is played by the wonderful Edward Petherbridge, one of my favourite actors, and he gets to say the line "Do I have the pleasure of addressing Mr. Scrooge or Mr. Marley?" that is left out of every other version.

Patrick Stewart plays a very angry Scrooge, but he seems to be angry because he seriously doesn't understand what people are talking about with the Merry Christmas and the goodwill towards men. He's a Scrooge with Asperger's Syndrome, a Scrooge who can't understand how other people's minds work.

Marley (Bernard Lloyd) appears at Scrooge's house, and because this one was done in 1999, they could actually do the bit with him taking the handkerchief from around his jaw and it falling down unnaturally low.

Scrooge says, during the whole gravy or grave section, that Marley might be "Some British beef, that could be might upsetting to the stomach." I think that is a mad cow joke, I don't think that line was in the original book. 

This movie is I think the only one that says to expect the first spirit tomorrow when the bell tolls one, the second spirit on the next night at the same time and the third the night following at twelve. Most versions change it to say that they will all come the same night at one, two and three because, I suppose, they think that the whole three night thing is confusing, but I think it makes Scrooge's "It's Christmas day, I haven't missed it, the spirits did it all in one night! They can do what they like, of course they can, of course they can!" make more sense.

The first spirit arrives, being Joel Grey in whiteface with the light of truth in his head. He is an excellent Ghost of Christmas Past, I love his simple, encouraging "Rise and walk with me."

They go back to Scrooge's school, he calls out to the boys that knows, which always makes me cry in any version. He sees himself alone in the schoolroom, then he is older and for some unknown reason, his sister's name is Fran instead of Fan. And the fact that fanny means vagina in British slang isn't a good enough reason.

They go to Fezziwig's (Ian McNeice) and Scrooge is young and cheerful and in love with Belle. Older Scrooge tries to look stern, but his feet are dancing under his nightgown. Then we go to Belle and Ebenezer breaking it off. Older Scrooge yells at his younger self not to be afraid, to go after her, but he doesn't, and she disappears into the snow. Scrooge shouts at the Ghost to haunt him no longer, and presses the pointed hap down on him until he disappears.

Then he wakes in his bed, sees the light under the door and finds the Ghost of Christmas Present in the next room. They wander around London, the Ghost sprinkling a blessing on every meal, then going to the Cratchit's house, where they are singing and making the meal.

Bob comes in with a quite reasonable-looking Tim, delicate but not actually on his deathbed, and Scrooge says, "I didn't know Bob Cratchit has a crippled son," and the Ghost says, "You never asked." They do the bit with Martha pretending not to have come home, then all eat dinner as though it is the greatest feast of their lives, which, frankly, it probably is.

Tiny Tim starts to sing "Silent Night", and Ghost takes them to various places around the world (or rather Europe) where they are singing the same song, ending up in Wales, of course. I am reminded of Blackadder's quote about Wales, "It's a ghastly place. Huge gangs of tough sinewy men roam the valleys terrorizing people with their close-harmony singing."

Then they are at Nephew Fred's party where they all laugh about Scrooge, but just as they leave, they start to play games, and Scrooge stands outside the window and says, "Games, Spirit, games. It's been so long since...let's stay a little," and they do. They play blind man's bluff, and Scrooge never smiles or laughs; we can tell that he is thinking of his sister.

They go on, and then the Ghost is old, but of course his life is only as long as the one day. Scrooge sees Ignorance and Want under the robes, and they are much more threatening-looking than in any other version, not just sad and cringing, but hissing and running at Scrooge a bit. Very interesting.

The Ghost disappears, leaving Scrooge along in an unknown street. He runs, and then, as the bell tolls, he sees the last Ghost, the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come, very very tall, with glowing eyes like a Jawa. They go to the Exchange and find the drawling, bored men talking about the death, then to the rag and bone shop when the laundress, the charlady and the undertaker come to sell the dead man's items. Amusingly, Liz Smith plays the charlady, Mrs. Dilber, and she also did in the George Scott version. Liz Smith, playing all of the Victorian charladies since 1921.

Then he is brought to the dead man, but cannot look under the winding sheet. He asks does anyone feel any emotion for this man's death, and the Ghost shows him a young couple happy because the man who holds their debt is dead, which means that they have more time to pay it and won't get thrown into the street. Scrooge asks to see tenderness connected with a death, any death, and we see the Cratchits. They skip the waiting for Bob to come home and the colour hurting Mrs. Cratchit's eyes, but we actually see TT dead and laid out in his bed. That certainly is in no other version.

The Ghost brings Scrooge to the cemetery and shows him the stone. Scrooge had no idea that the man in the bed was him, he is absolutely shocked and begs the Ghost that he will keep Christmas in his heart and celebrate it all the year round. Then the grave opens and he sees himself in the coffin, then falls down into the grave, and then falls and falls and keeps falling, until...he is in his own bed!

He then said, it's all been a dream, screw this, and forecloses on everyone. Just seeing if you were paying attention! Nope, he is happy, and then we think that he is choking, but then realize that he is trying to laugh, but at first he is very very bad at it.

He leans out the window and asks the boy what day it is, etc, the boy is extremely sarcastic, much more so than usual. Patrick Stewart plays it very amusingly, as though every impulse is new and he does it, then only afterwards thinks of why. He sends the kid after the turkey and then, with surprise in his voice says, "I'll send it to Bob Cratchit! HE WON'T KNOW WHO IT'S FROM!!"

He dances down to the door, attempts to say "Ho ho ho" but doesn't do it very well, pays for everything, including a cab for the poulterer and his incredibly feathered turkey (more work for Mrs. Cratchit!), laughing like a crazy person every minute, has a snowball fight with some urchins, then goes to church! He certainly has never gone to church in any other movie.

Then he goes to Nephew Fred's, standing outside for a really long time, too shy to go in (as they sing a song about being shy, if we didn't get the point), then runs up the steps suddenly and enters. He sort of hides behind the door and ask Fred if he will have him, and it's so sad to see him afraid to be sent away again. The eat, they dance, Scrooge smiles as though his face will split in two.

Next day, Bob is late, Scrooge is stern. It's always fun to see the various Scrooges pretend to be their old selves and rather overdo it. In this one, Scrooge appears so crazy that Bob backs away and grabs the poker. But when Scrooge tells him to put more coal on the fire, I guess he figures not to look a gift horse in the mouth. And God bless us every one!

Kymm Zuckert is an actor/writer/native Angelino. When Kymm was a child, her parents would take her to see anything, which means that sometimes she will see a film today and say, “I saw that when I was eight, I don’t remember any of that inappropriate sex stuff!” Check out her entire 365 day blog @ https://365filmsin365days.movie.blog